Easier Day, Harder Questions

Today was a different day than the previous ones. I still woke up with the boys, but Joseph was feeling better, so the morning went much smoother. Brooks and I were able to join up with friends at the baseball field for batting practice. I was able to enjoy watching the football game, and the family went out for frozen yogurt before hanging out at church, running around and enjoying the weather.

It was a day where I got to show up intentionally in different ways. I got to be a baseball dad, a coach to my friends’ kids, a family dad, a football fan, and the person I wanted to be when it came to this project. That showed me that I could juggle all of those roles without having to give any of them up. I could actually achieve what I want with this project while still being there for my family and enjoying the fun of daily life.

So what makes me nervous about all of this? It’s that I’ve had days like this before and still given up later on. Not every day is going to allow me to balance all of the roles I play in this life, and what happens then? What happens when I have a day where one role dominates the others and this project falls to the wayside? When I feel like I’m going to have to play catch-up the next day, but there isn’t going to be enough time?

Will I be able to remember days like today and stick with the project, or will I feel the urge to hit the restart button yet again?

That’s what I don’t know yet. I guess I won’t know until it happens. All I can do is hope that I’m able to think back on a day like today—when I didn’t feel the pressure closing in around me and I was able to get everything done—and let that be enough to keep going. Put one foot in front of the other and take the next action until the project is back on track again.

Will it work? I don’t know. Maybe that uncertainty is what makes me nervous and pulls me out of the moments I was enjoying today. I’m putting in a lot of time and effort. I’m further along than I’ve been in a long time, maybe ever, and I don’t want to lose that progress to my own issues with perfectionism. I can’t answer any of those questions yet, and until I can, I’m just going to keep going and hope for the best.